Stuck (Part II)

I sat and stared at that piece of paper for hours before I finally worked up the nerve to use the telephone number written on it.  Even though I give guys a lot of lip about relying heavily on text messages, it seemed like a text would be less awkward than a phone call.  And, so… I sent a text.  Just told him my name and that the doorman gave him my number and because I didn’t know what else to say, I wrote: “Um… I’m not sure what else to say, lol… :-)”

Then I waited.  But I didn’t have to wait long.  He wrote back almost immediately.   His response: “Lol, well, there’s nothing much to say obviously I’m interested here a start my name [his name]”

Hmm…

See anything wrong with that message?!  Mega typos or… just poor grammar?  Either way, my nerves were completely grated.  In the first message.

Most of you don’t know me personally, so you wouldn’t understand why this was such a major disappointment.

Allow me to reintroduce myself.  “Hello, my name is [Me]… and I am a grammar snob.”

Here’s the thing about texting and email communication and even Facebook status updates and tweets… all these media that require writing uncover the closet illiterates very early on in your relationship. I assume that before the days of the Internet, it was conceivable that you might meet someone and never discover that they couldn’t write until after you’d already fallen for them and by then their writing challenges would be secondary to the love you might be feeling. But these days, particularly when you are dating online, these issues present themselves a lot sooner, resulting in interesting questions.

Questions like what job/career could you possibly have if you can’t even string a few words together to construct a simple sentence? Most jobs (except maybe those that involve manual labor?) require some sort of facility with email, which means you’d have to be able to at least write in a way that sort of makes sense. But maybe some employers have lower standards than I have for my employees… Maybe?

I didn’t want to “throw the baby out with the bath water” so to speak. (That’s a “Daddyism” a.k.a. Shit My Dad Says.  I’ll frequently share Daddyisms as we go along.) Because I’m in a place where I’m trying new approaches to dating, I figured that perhaps I should try to give this guy another shot. Maybe he was just distracted and that’s why his message made no sense.

But… No.

I continued to exchange messages with him and they were progressively worse than the first (if that’s possible!). It got to the point where I had to read messages a few times before I could even get the gist of what he was saying. It was awful. And I was embarrassed for him. Illiteracy — even functional illiteracy — is one of my deal breakers. And, so, despite My Buddy’s (the doorman) effort, there can be no love connection between me and the cute guy from the building.

Eventually, we moved from text to telephone and the conversation wasn’t forced. He is much more article verbally than he is in writing (thanks be to God!), so we were able to make small talk and that was cool. He asked if I’d like to go for happy hour one day, which is one of my most favorite activities, so I agreed. There’s no date set in stone, but I’m always down for a drink with a guy who seems cool. That said, that’s as far as it will go.

My friends will roll their eyes when they hear this story. Sure, the guy was cute and made decent small talk, and maybe to others (perhaps even to YOU), grammar, punctuation (or lack thereof), improper word usage, and typos are minor. To me, they’re quite major. Even when I see my Facebook and Instagram friends botch there/they’re/their and to/too/two or here/hear, I’m driven to the point of distraction. I don’t know if I could accept it in my mate.

And there’s a life lesson here, too. Everyone… And I do mean EVERYONE… Including me, including YOU (yes, I know we’re perfect, but humor me here) has shortcomings. The man of your dreams WILL have shortcomings. There will be things he can’t/won’t do at all or things that he can’t/won’t do very well. Some of those things will be no big deal. Other things will totally set you off and jump all over that one nerve you have left.

Don’t let anyone else convince you that you have to deal with some stuff that you know you can’t stand. Get to know yourself well enough to identify your deal breakers and do not be shamed into lowering your standards for the sake of a full dating calendar. It’s okay to be discriminating and it’s also okay for you to discriminate based on things that other people find trivial. Those people won’t have to live with your partner, but you will. Keep that in mind…

Back to the cute neighbor. Even if he had been everything I wanted him to be, I’m not sure that dating someone in the building would’ve been the best move. I am ultimately looking for a partner but until then I am dating in the purest sense of the word, which means there are a number of guys in the mix. I’m not sure how homeboy would feel if he saw me getting dropped off by some other guy or even how I would feel if I saw him bringing another girl back to his place. It seems like that could go all the way south under the wrong circumstances, so I think things worked out for the best.

On to the next one…

Why I’m Dating Online

In a city of 12 million souls, I find it difficult to meet men. That seems somewhat ironic to me. How can my life intersect with hundreds of people in a day, from the subway, to the sidewalk, to the supermarket, and yet I never CONNECT with any of them? But NYC is like that. People aren’t friendly and, in fact, are rather surly and suspicious of one another. When I first arrived in town, my semi-Southern sensibilities had me smiling at and saying hello to strangers on the street and even thanking bus drivers as they dropped me off at my stop. These pleasantries were met with blank stares of confusion. And so, those habits stopped (although I still thank bus drivers… and cabbies, too).

It seems to me that many people in this city build their social circles around three things: work, school, and church/temple/place of worship. Well, I work in a industry rife with women and gay men, which makes for fun times but, since I’m a straight woman, doesn’t leave me with many dating options. Also, I went to school in a different city. There are people from my undergrad who live in NYC, but I wouldn’t consider them “friends” and they wouldn’t call me a friend either, and so there goes that option. I haven’t found a church in NYC (although I fully admit that I haven’t really looked very hard for one either). That said, I do have friends from my church back home who are living in the City. They are also women and also experiencing the same dating struggles I’m facing, so when we do get together, we just commiserate and validate each other’s time spent in the dating trenches.

You may be asking why I’m giving you a rundown of my situation; some of this you already know and some of it you may have assumed.  But I guess I’m telling you all this to justify the fact that I have resorted to online dating.  I shouldn’t use the word “resorted” because it gives off the (false) impression that I was somehow resistant to the idea.  I wasn’t.  To me, online dating makes perfect sense.  Recently, I was talking to a guy I met online and I asked him the standard set of conversation-starter questions (I’ll get to that later), which includes a version of “why are you doing this?”  He gave the best answer yet.  He explained that online dating allows him “to filter through the crazy, the stupid, the gold-diggers” et al.  He also said that for him, online dating allows him to focus more on quality than quantity.  This makes sense to me, and if you look at it this way, it makes online dating seem like less of a less resort and more a savvy strategy for finding worthy candidates.

I opened an account on eHarmony the first week I moved to NYC.  I was single and ready to mingle and open to meeting and connecting with new people.   In the last four and a half years, I’ve tried nearly all of the online dating sites from eHarmony, to OkCupid, to Match.com, to BlackPeopleMeet, to ChristianMingle.  I’ve had different experiences with them all, and clearly haven’t made a love connection (or else I would be writing about a completely different topic).  But along the way, I have been highly entertained, challenged, stimulated, and ultimately have learned so much about myself, my deal breakers, my must-haves, etc.  And I have stories for days.  One day I’ll write a book about this stuff.  But for now, I’ll attempt to capture some of my triumphs and disappointments in a few blog posts here for your reading pleasure.  Hopefully, they’ll culminate in a happy ending… *fingers crossed*